Do You Want A Legendary Love Affair? Here's how...

Lust is simple, people.  Love is hard.  50 Shades of Grey is steamy, but I'd like to see Anastasia and Christian as a married couple after 10 years with children.  Their playroom would definitely have different toys. 

Can love and lust co-exist for the long haul to have a legendary love affair?  I think I am having one.

I kissed a lot of frogs along the way and learned some icky lessons.  There was the guy I dated in college who was part of a pact.  My best girlfriend, Jenny Plenty, and I had an agreement that one of us each summer would date a guy with a water ski boat so we could enjoy our slalom skills.  Greg The Boatman was a perfect fit.  He was hunky, nice, and his family owned a lake house.  One weekend, a group of us were staying at his lake house and we did a stupid thing after having a few drinks.  We took the boat out at midnight, throttled it full speed, and then reversed it.  It was dangerous and stupid.  I had the vapors and retired to bed.  The next morning I woke up, went to the bathroom, and as I was about to walk back into the bedroom, I heard an aerosol spray can.  I peeked through the door and saw Boatman lysoling the bed covers.  Part of me wanted to break up with him right then and there, not understanding his OCD.  I shut the door, and re-entered like I didn't notice the stench of disinfectant.  I simply washed my hands of the issue.  That is the slimy part.  I didn't stand up for myself or question him or even offer to help.  Now I would be thrilled, seeing a man with super-power cleaning skills.

There were other frogs along the way.  One Southern creeper told me he wanted to be with me because he had a "Madonna Complex" and I was the "good girl" in the mix.  There was the New York abusive toad addicted to prescription medication.  A British prince charming cheated on me.  One Hollywood croaker thew a lamp at me.  At the end of the day, I let those slime balls into my life.  I had to break my legs to stand up for myself.  (That story is on another blog post.)  The way to have a legendary love affair is to love yourself enough to to demand it.  The way you value yourself is the the way others will treat you.  

I've been married 14 years to my legendary love.  We have a sizzling romance.  We have had our ups and downs through the years.  We have been to therapy.  We have had spiritual guidance.  More than anything, we honor each other and make room for the other person to be who are they.  Here are my tips for keeping the love alive to have love AND lust for the long haul, even it you don't want to put a ball in your mouth. 

THE REAL "SAFE" WORD:  TOUCH

When someone familiar touches you, “It’s like magic.  Calm washes over the whole brain…leaving yourself behind and being in the moment, ready to play,”  says Neuroscientist James Coan, University of VA.  The pre-frontal cortex calms down.  Holding hands is shown to help people feel safe.  

• Have a "code" word you use, and whenever someone says it, you have to touch.
• Kiss more often.  Locking lips releases oxytocin, the horomone that makes us bond.  #Twentysecondkiss is all it takes.
• I like the Shades of Grey "make out every time you are in an elevator alone." 

50 SHADES OF PLAY

When you first start dating, there’s an air of intrigue.  Reignite the romance with play.  The opposite of play is not work, it’s depression,” says Stuart Brown Institute of Play.  Domestication can lead to feeling in a rut and bored.  Experts say we need to PLAY. 

• Surprise your love.  Show up at your husband or wife’s office before lunch. Call from the parking lot and to say you are there for a lunch rendezvous.
• Write sexy notes.  "I'm thinking about you" text or call with a teaser for some "bonding time" later.  Leave sexy Post-it notes for each other.
• Have a mystery date – i.e., Pick a place. Then every hour on the hour during the workday, I send my guy an e-mail feeding him clues about where I want him to meet me that night and landmarks that will lead him to the location. The last clue is the address where he finds me in the most private booth I can find.

BE ON LUVR STATUS

• Pick a sexy nickname for each other.  While typical terms of endearment such as honey, and sweetie are nice, you wouldn’t want rip your clothes off for a person who uses nicknames your mom calls you.  Find a sexy one your partner.  We use LUVR, even in front of our kids. 
• Put the brakes on being child-centered and make your relationship the center.  Studies show that couples who do more things alone together are happier. Go to a concert, play golf, go on dates, vacation without kids. “Love between the couple is the real cradle that holds the baby.”  Julie Gottman
• Turn it up in the boudoir with a fantasy box where you and your partner put in five suggestions each from doing a strip tease to a new position, toys, lube, etc.  Or, order one from this fab company that will ship it to you.   https://www.thefantasybox.com/
• Get naked. Lock the bedroom door after 10 p.m. so you can sleep naked without fear of exposing the children to a primal scene.
  

What ways do you keep the love alive?  Share in the comments section.

And if you want a frolicking good time, join me on March 6 in Bethesda, MD for The MAKIN' WHOOPIE COMEDY SHOW.  Tickets & info http://bit.ly/makinwhoopiemarch62015

Happy Valentine's Day!
Hugs,
Cyndy

Makin' Whoopie in Marriage

Check out the conversation I had via text with a friend recently.  She couldn't meet with me because she had a sex date.  With Her Hubby.   She may be my current hero.  We are all so busy and wear it like a badge of honor --work, kids, appointments, life.  Kudos to this whoopierific woman who blew me off to get it on with her man, a few hours after she had a mammogram.  She deserves a trophy!

The man I married also deserves a trophy - HOT HUBBY OF THE YEAR.  We just celebrated our 13 year anniversary and I still feel like I won the jackpot.  Years ago, after Dan came down South to Spring City, Tennessee to meet my dad's side of the family, I wasn't sure he would stick around.  Spring City is next to Soddy Daisy, around the corner from Stump Hollow.  That's near the Smokey Mountains in the boonies.  Dan's family is from the other side of the tracks, the fancy side.  He joined me for the Cecil Family Fish Fry and as we were on the plane, I cautioned, "I hope everyone has all their teeth in."  That should have been the least of my fears.

I got a good case of the hillbilly willies that day.  Everyone was enjoying the fish fry with extended Cecil family members.  My grandpa has 17 brothers and sisters and there is always kinfolk coming up to hug ya who you don't quite recognize when hundreds of relatives are around.  However, there is one unforgettable auntie!  She invokes a declaration to each and every person she greets with her drawn out, "Ba-less your heart" while doing a mighty fine bootie pat.   Aunt Sara christened Dan.  Pat pat.

The hootenanny continued with talk of bass fishing, square dancing, and mayonnaise salad recipes when a minivan pulled up to the curb.  A woman with giant, bleach-blond hair got out of the passenger side and swished to the sliding door in her bright orange Tennessee Vols sweat suit.  She pulled on the handle and reached in to the car seat.  Out on her hip popped a monkey.  In a diaper.

Blondie put her pet in a cage right in the middle of the yard.  The monkey was a well-behaved little Reese cup (Rhesus). There were lots of children who wanted to make mischief with that primate but Blondie didn't want anyone to bother it.   She swished past the front porch glider and yelled, "Now, don't you kids mess with my baby."  (Why in the Sam hell would you bring a monkey in a diaper to a party with kids buzzing on sweet tea?) 

Within minutes, the lock was picked and the little ape was bouncing off trees.  Blondie was pulled away from her ambrosia salad and she was choking so hard on her words that I thought Blondie was going to need the hind lick maneuver.  Baby marshmallows and pineapple bits were flying everywhere as she swished around that yard chasing that monkey.  Granny brought out rot-your-teeth eclair pudding pie for everyone and we watched the action. My second cousin relayed how life-like Reese could look with the proper taxidermic procedures.  Dan the man tried to catch the monkey but instead captured a blurry diaper shot.  That's when I knew he was my man.  

We just celebrated our 13 year anniversary and there are a few things I wish someone had told me about marriage when I was single.

1.  Marry someone who makes you laugh. PERIOD.

2.  Sex has to be great at the beginning.  And it has to be great through the years too to stay connected.

3.  Nagging to a man means saying what needs to get done.  Write it down on a list and you both can check off things that need to be done.  The list keeps things neutral.

4.  Romance involves notes, texting, little things like making coffee, picking up a shirt as a surprise, a slap on the bootie, a laugh, a kitchen dance, holding hands, putting the marriage before kids and rest of the family.

5.  Try to make your partner feel special every day.  The good news is you'll get groped.  When your man stops groping you, there might be trouble in tuba city.  Just sayin...

6.  If you want to keep him hot for you, stay hot for yourself.  Do things that make you feel great, keep you happy, keep you turned on to life.  It's my responsibility to make my own happiness, not his.

7.  Let the monkey out of the cage.  Laugh at it.  Take pictures of it.  Make it into a funny story. 

Keep The Love Alive

Ok, lovers, here are some ideas on how to keep the love alive for the long haul.  You can watch it (above) or read it (below).  Who loves ya?  I do, that's who. 

YOU MUST SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE and I'm not talking French or Italian.  There are 5 languages of love, according to relationship expert Gary Chapman:  touch, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, and gifts.  Take their fun QUIZ @ http://www.5lovelanguages.com/.  I've taken it 5 times in an effort to be multilingual.  

FRIENDSHIP IS THE FLAME OF ROMANCE:  Whether you are in a new relationship or you’ve been married for 20 years, scientist John Gottman, PhD of The Love Lab has found that friendship is the key for long term success.  When you first start dating someone, you are discovering who they are and it ignites a fire.  When you have been with someone for a while, you have to fan the fire by re-discovering the person.  Date your mate like a new love.  I'm not talking going to the movies.   Try new things.  Go play laser tag, take a class in how to do graffitti art, SHAKE UP THE SPRAY CAN.  Get out of your comfort zone with your partner and get to know him/her in a new way.    Need ideas - https://www.sidetour.com/


GET RID OF THE HOME WRECKERS.  Ok, while I am learning to speak-a the language o love, I've realized I've got a home wrecker in my house.  It is damaging my relationship with my husband and my children.  "You always cut me off."  "You never apologize first."  "You always have to get the last word."  New rule:  Unless you have 20 dates and times to prove your "always" or "never," you can not use them.  Never.  Kiss 'em goodbye.  According to relationship expert John Gottman, there are four horsemen of a relationship apocalypse, and I think bickering-hyperbole should be the 5th.  There are so many nuggets in his books, they should be required reading before marriage and once a year thereafter. 

BE A COLLECTOR OF EMOTIONAL MOMENTS.   So crazy for this phrase from psychologist Ross Parke:  “Life is like a string of pearls…collect those times when you feel totally present and connect with each other on a deep and meaningful level.”   One way to make better connections is to ask better questions.  Instead of “How was your day?” ask specific questions for specific answers. Tell me about your presentation.  Was there a time today when you felt unappreciated?   What was the part of your day that made you feel good? 

If you have more ideas or questions, send them my way... would love to hear ways you keep the love alive. Post your comments below or email me at cyndy@whoopiequeen.com.  And if you have questions, I've got answers on how to live the sweet life using positive psychology tips with a splash of whoop-pow!  Check out my new weekly segment, ASK CYNDY, on my website.  This week, advice on how to deal with a loved one who won't get off their cell phone.   Next week, a question about a husband that won't keep his underwear in the right place.  www.whoopiequeen.com

Happy Valentine's Day!

Cyndy, The Whoopie Queen 

31 Ways to Romance Your Lover

August is National Romance Month.  Never fear, The Whoopie Queen is here with ideas to make the last month of summer juicy like a watermelon.   

Romance is a verb - "to woo."   A few years back I was talking with a friend about how much effort a relationship requires.  She replied, "Yeah, but what's the alternative?!"  That is when it hit me.  Before I married Dan, we had a LOVE AFFAIR.  The alternative is terrible if we stop "wooing."  People settle into the doldrums of marriage.  Marriage is an "institution" and you know what happens to the people in institutions?  They are drugged and die slowly.  Instead, I suggest that couples be lovers.  They feel alive.  Lovers don't take each other for granted.  They appreciate each other.  They don't keep score.  They do things to keep interest peaked.  They flirt.  They text.  They call.  They write each other sexy notes.  They make plans to spend time together (especially without kids).  They hold a special place of honor for each ohter.  They get naked.  They have sex.   Yes, let's be lovers! 

So in honor of a steamy, sizzling, August Romance, I give you 31 Ways to Romance Your Lover this month:

1. Go to a photo booth and take make-out pics.
2. Book a sitter for a Saturday mid-day, have her get kids out of house and have afternoon delight.
3. Go for a walk in the park while eating popsicles.
4. Make a playlist for your lover.
5. Leave post-it love notes all over the inside of your lover's car.
6. Drive-in movie on back porch w/brown-sugar popcorn and flick on the ipad.
7. Send a whoopie gram to work - favorite candy bar with sexy note in briefcase.
8. Write each other Mad Libs Notes.  http://www.thedatingdivas.com/wp-content/uploads/Sarina-Madlibs-MadAboutYouANDMadlyInLove.pdf
9. Drive separately & pick each other up at a bar. 
10. Make Your Lover's Favorite Ice Cream w/vanilla in the freezer & favorite candy bars on the ready.
11. Hold hands on a beach walk and talk about your fav beach trips. 
12. Leave a love note on the mirror, written with a Sharpie. It washes off.
13. Find a funny, laugh out loud card and mail it to your lover's office.
14. Make breakfast in bed FOR DINNER.
15. Walk arm-n-arm at a haunted location in your town.  In Georgetown, I want to visit The Exorcist steps. 
16. Make a list of reasons why you are grateful to be with your lover.  
17. Learn about the opposite sex and tell your lover about it.  http://www.medicinenet.com/18_secrets_men_want_you_to_know_pictures_slideshow/article.htm
18. Say to your lover when you awake in the morning:  "What can I do for you today that will make your life easier and less stressful?"  Then do it.
19. Flirt with your lover in an unusual place...in a store checkout line, while making dinner, while doing yard work...
20. Flash your lover.
21. Go through pics of your past together while listening to music.
22. Surprise your lover.
23. Dance together.  Salsa.  Swing.  Tango.
24. Send a sext message.  Just do it!
25. Ok, if you can't sext, send your lover a romantic line of poetry.  For a little help on the poem front:  http://ingenira.hubpages.com/hub/Romantic-Love-Quotes-for-Valentines-Day AND http://www.toptenz.net/top-10-love-poems.php.
26. Pour a glass of wine and take a stroll together through your neighborhood after dinner.
27. Grab some flesh.  A pat.  A squeeze.       
28. Shower together.
29. Have a secret phrase to tell you're lover he/she is hot, like “Are we due for an oil change?” No will know what it means but you.  (That's not our phrase!)
30. Go and kiss under the stars.
31. Make a love montage of couple pictures and frame it.

For more ideas:
http://www.thegloss.com/2008/04/28/fashion/101-romantic-things-to-do-with-your-partner/ 

http://www.wifemomsuperwoman.com/2012/10/01/30-non-cheesy-date-night-ideas/

New Things I Learned About Marriage

Marriage. The Supreme Court rulings have me wondering if the relationship with my hubby is now considered a "different sex" marriage, not that there's anything wrong with it?!  Congrats to my gay friends!  You too can now enter the "institution."  Dan and I just celebrated our 12 year anniversary.  We have two kids.  Zero murders.  Success!

I've learned a few new things recently about being hitched and just have to share them so that we can all have a gay marriage.

1.   Have a code word.  Use it to lighten the mood, to secretly indicate in public, "I feel ya," or "I'm here" AND to remember a crazy story from your past together.  Can't tell you ours but it involves a primate.

2.  If you're not connected, you're disconnected.  Feel like two ships passing in the night?  Are you so busy, you go to change your tampon and find three up there?  Slow your roll.  Find each other.  We look each other in the eyes and say "I'm in" when we get home from work, in the morning before we leave, and before going to snoozerville.  Jill Rogers of The Seven Sacred Steps gave us that tool.  She's a love guru (not like the movie, a real one).  http://thesevensacredsteps.com/

3.   Make sure you're having fun.  Together.  And Alone.  That's making your own whoopie in the world.

4.  No Dutch ovens, or crop dusting if you want to have sex.  I had to work hard on this one.

This Suburban Life-not actually our buff bodies.