New Things I Learned About Marriage

Marriage. The Supreme Court rulings have me wondering if the relationship with my hubby is now considered a "different sex" marriage, not that there's anything wrong with it?!  Congrats to my gay friends!  You too can now enter the "institution."  Dan and I just celebrated our 12 year anniversary.  We have two kids.  Zero murders.  Success!

I've learned a few new things recently about being hitched and just have to share them so that we can all have a gay marriage.

1.   Have a code word.  Use it to lighten the mood, to secretly indicate in public, "I feel ya," or "I'm here" AND to remember a crazy story from your past together.  Can't tell you ours but it involves a primate.

2.  If you're not connected, you're disconnected.  Feel like two ships passing in the night?  Are you so busy, you go to change your tampon and find three up there?  Slow your roll.  Find each other.  We look each other in the eyes and say "I'm in" when we get home from work, in the morning before we leave, and before going to snoozerville.  Jill Rogers of The Seven Sacred Steps gave us that tool.  She's a love guru (not like the movie, a real one).  http://thesevensacredsteps.com/

3.   Make sure you're having fun.  Together.  And Alone.  That's making your own whoopie in the world.

4.  No Dutch ovens, or crop dusting if you want to have sex.  I had to work hard on this one.

This Suburban Life-not actually our buff bodies.

Whoopie Wednesday: Hillbilly at the Country Club

Why yes, Hillbilly at the Country Club could be a title for a new reality series.  Consider the Duck Dynasty rage.  Oh how we could sass up golf with some square dancing panties and facial hair.

There I'd be in a tube top with a flashy sequin collar attachment, sashaying up to check in for tee time.  I'd drop off my Dinah Shore clubs with the caddy and ask him where to toss my toothpick.  While putting on my coon hide golf glove, the voice over would reveal brain chatter about past golf etiquette mishaps.    

Addressing the ball with phrases like, "go, skeeter" and "come on baby" is not actually what Tiger Woods would consider "addressing" the ball.  Or, would he?!

Don't worry about the chunks of scraped up dirt and lawn.  Pour on the seed fertilizer divot ball concealer and they will magically disappear like the bags under my eyes after a little camouflage application.  

Play with other people who are real good and suggest it be a game of "best ball" so you can score on par +5.  That's good for me.

"Fore!" is fun to say super loud, like "sooey," but unless there are pigs nearby or you get a lucky shot, you're probably not going to shout out anything super loud except profanity.
 
Even though the guys behind us are teeing off into the fairway right next to me and we didn't "wave them up," probably best not to moon them.

This post is in honor of World Saunter Day, every year June 19.  It is a holiday when we are supposed to enjoy a leisurely stroll.  That's what I said with my overalls on the ground while the golfers behind us told us to put a move on it. 

Whoopie Wednesday: Hey Biatch

"Hey Biatch" was on a subject line in my inbox.  I wondered who I had offended this time.  Way too many end of the school year parties are occurring, putting me in that get-out-of-my-way-or-I-will-cut you category. 

Can we just be done with the school year already?!  One party is enough to say so long.  Love you, mean it.

In a frenzy this morning, I went to Target to buy a plain white t-shirt for a 4th grade tye-dye party.  Yes, the fine folks at Target let me in even though I'm a cart crasher.  Things that I don't really need seem to jump in my cart there, like a cute pair of running shorts that required a look-see in the fitting room.   When I came out to retrieve my cart, an old lady was wheeling it away.  She was mad as a hornet that I thought her cart was mine.  She probably also has a lot of end of the school year festivities and white shirts to buy for tye-dying and gifts to purchase for teachers and camp forms to get ready and 1st grade readers workshop celebrations to attend.  The confused blue hair even claimed ownership to the lonely Father's Day cards I used to "mark" the cart so that no one would take it.   Upon closer inspection, granny realized the cards were for "grandpa," and that she had no intention of giving gramps anything.  Note to Target:  Please add a new sticker in the kid seat area of cart:   "Do not leave Father's Day cards unattended." 

If you feel as busy as a beaver right now, here's a little something that will help you have more time in your day.  It's a wand at the grocery store that magically keeps you from having to load food in the cart, unload the food on the belt, bag the groceries, and then reload bags in you your buggy.  It's so genius, It made me do a frozen food aisle dance break.  How's that biaches?!

If there's a prob with video here, click on YouTube link - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Wu6JjhWs0