Can love and lust co-exist for the long haul to have a legendary love affair? I think I am having one.
I kissed a lot of frogs along the way and learned some icky lessons. There was the guy I dated in college who was part of a pact. My best girlfriend, Jenny Plenty, and I had an agreement that one of us each summer would date a guy with a water ski boat so we could enjoy our slalom skills. Greg The Boatman was a perfect fit. He was hunky, nice, and his family owned a lake house. One weekend, a group of us were staying at his lake house and we did a stupid thing after having a few drinks. We took the boat out at midnight, throttled it full speed, and then reversed it. It was dangerous and stupid. I had the vapors and retired to bed. The next morning I woke up, went to the bathroom, and as I was about to walk back into the bedroom, I heard an aerosol spray can. I peeked through the door and saw Boatman lysoling the bed covers. Part of me wanted to break up with him right then and there, not understanding his OCD. I shut the door, and re-entered like I didn't notice the stench of disinfectant. I simply washed my hands of the issue. That is the slimy part. I didn't stand up for myself or question him or even offer to help. Now I would be thrilled, seeing a man with super-power cleaning skills.
There were other frogs along the way. One Southern creeper told me he wanted to be with me because he had a "Madonna Complex" and I was the "good girl" in the mix. There was the New York abusive toad addicted to prescription medication. A British prince charming cheated on me. One Hollywood croaker thew a lamp at me. At the end of the day, I let those slime balls into my life. I had to break my legs to stand up for myself. (That story is on another blog post.) The way to have a legendary love affair is to love yourself enough to to demand it. The way you value yourself is the the way others will treat you.
I've been married 14 years to my legendary love. We have a sizzling romance. We have had our ups and downs through the years. We have been to therapy. We have had spiritual guidance. More than anything, we honor each other and make room for the other person to be who are they. Here are my tips for keeping the love alive to have love AND lust for the long haul, even it you don't want to put a ball in your mouth.
THE REAL "SAFE" WORD: TOUCH
When
someone familiar touches you, “It’s like magic. Calm washes over the whole brain…leaving yourself behind and
being in the moment, ready to play,” says Neuroscientist James Coan, University of VA. The pre-frontal cortex calms down. Holding hands is shown to help people feel safe.
- Have a "code" word you use, and whenever someone says it, you have to touch.
- Kiss more often. Locking lips releases oxytocin, the horomone that makes us bond. #Twentysecondkiss is all it takes.
- I like the Shades of Grey "make out every time you are in an elevator alone."
50 SHADES OF PLAY
When
you first start dating, there’s an air of intrigue. Reignite the romance with play. The opposite of play is not work, it’s depression,” says
Stuart Brown Institute of Play.
Domestication can lead to feeling in a rut and bored. Experts say we need to PLAY. - Surprise your love. Show up at your husband or wife’s office before lunch. Call from the parking lot and to say you are there for a lunch rendezvous.
- Write sexy notes. "I'm thinking about you" text or call with a teaser for some "bonding time" later. Leave sexy Post-it notes for each other.
- Have a mystery date – i.e., Pick a place. Then every hour on the hour during the workday, I send my guy an e-mail feeding him clues about where I want him to meet me that night and landmarks that will lead him to the location. The last clue is the address where he finds me in the most private booth I can find.
BE ON LUVR STATUS
- Pick a sexy nickname for each other. While typical terms of endearment such as honey, and sweetie are nice, you wouldn’t want rip your clothes off for a person who uses nicknames your mom calls you. Find a sexy one your partner. We use LUVR, even in front of our kids.
- Put the brakes on being child-centered and make your relationship the center. Studies show that couples who do more things alone together are happier. Go to a concert, play golf, go on dates, vacation without kids. “Love between the couple is the real cradle that holds the baby.” Julie Gottman
- Turn it up in the boudoir with a fantasy box where you and your partner put in five suggestions each from doing a strip tease to a new position, toys, lube, etc. Or, order one from this fab company that will ship it to you. https://www.thefantasybox.com/
- Get naked.
Lock the bedroom door after 10 p.m. so you can sleep naked without
fear of exposing the children to a primal scene.
And if you want a frolicking good time, join me on March 6 in Bethesda, MD for The MAKIN' WHOOPIE COMEDY SHOW. Tickets & info http://bit.ly/makinwhoopiemarch62015
Hugs,
Cyndy
