Makin' Whoopie in Marriage

Check out the conversation I had via text with a friend recently.  She couldn't meet with me because she had a sex date.  With Her Hubby.   She may be my current hero.  We are all so busy and wear it like a badge of honor --work, kids, appointments, life.  Kudos to this whoopierific woman who blew me off to get it on with her man, a few hours after she had a mammogram.  She deserves a trophy!

The man I married also deserves a trophy - HOT HUBBY OF THE YEAR.  We just celebrated our 13 year anniversary and I still feel like I won the jackpot.  Years ago, after Dan came down South to Spring City, Tennessee to meet my dad's side of the family, I wasn't sure he would stick around.  Spring City is next to Soddy Daisy, around the corner from Stump Hollow.  That's near the Smokey Mountains in the boonies.  Dan's family is from the other side of the tracks, the fancy side.  He joined me for the Cecil Family Fish Fry and as we were on the plane, I cautioned, "I hope everyone has all their teeth in."  That should have been the least of my fears.

I got a good case of the hillbilly willies that day.  Everyone was enjoying the fish fry with extended Cecil family members.  My grandpa has 17 brothers and sisters and there is always kinfolk coming up to hug ya who you don't quite recognize when hundreds of relatives are around.  However, there is one unforgettable auntie!  She invokes a declaration to each and every person she greets with her drawn out, "Ba-less your heart" while doing a mighty fine bootie pat.   Aunt Sara christened Dan.  Pat pat.

The hootenanny continued with talk of bass fishing, square dancing, and mayonnaise salad recipes when a minivan pulled up to the curb.  A woman with giant, bleach-blond hair got out of the passenger side and swished to the sliding door in her bright orange Tennessee Vols sweat suit.  She pulled on the handle and reached in to the car seat.  Out on her hip popped a monkey.  In a diaper.

Blondie put her pet in a cage right in the middle of the yard.  The monkey was a well-behaved little Reese cup (Rhesus). There were lots of children who wanted to make mischief with that primate but Blondie didn't want anyone to bother it.   She swished past the front porch glider and yelled, "Now, don't you kids mess with my baby."  (Why in the Sam hell would you bring a monkey in a diaper to a party with kids buzzing on sweet tea?) 

Within minutes, the lock was picked and the little ape was bouncing off trees.  Blondie was pulled away from her ambrosia salad and she was choking so hard on her words that I thought Blondie was going to need the hind lick maneuver.  Baby marshmallows and pineapple bits were flying everywhere as she swished around that yard chasing that monkey.  Granny brought out rot-your-teeth eclair pudding pie for everyone and we watched the action. My second cousin relayed how life-like Reese could look with the proper taxidermic procedures.  Dan the man tried to catch the monkey but instead captured a blurry diaper shot.  That's when I knew he was my man.  

We just celebrated our 13 year anniversary and there are a few things I wish someone had told me about marriage when I was single.

1.  Marry someone who makes you laugh. PERIOD.

2.  Sex has to be great at the beginning.  And it has to be great through the years too to stay connected.

3.  Nagging to a man means saying what needs to get done.  Write it down on a list and you both can check off things that need to be done.  The list keeps things neutral.

4.  Romance involves notes, texting, little things like making coffee, picking up a shirt as a surprise, a slap on the bootie, a laugh, a kitchen dance, holding hands, putting the marriage before kids and rest of the family.

5.  Try to make your partner feel special every day.  The good news is you'll get groped.  When your man stops groping you, there might be trouble in tuba city.  Just sayin...

6.  If you want to keep him hot for you, stay hot for yourself.  Do things that make you feel great, keep you happy, keep you turned on to life.  It's my responsibility to make my own happiness, not his.

7.  Let the monkey out of the cage.  Laugh at it.  Take pictures of it.  Make it into a funny story. 

11 Ways to Rev Up the Romance

photo by Sari Fried-Fiori, sffphotography.com

Valentine's Day is just around the corner.  Never fear, The Whoopie Queen is here with ideas to rev up the romance.

Romance is a verb meaning "to woo."   Friends often ask me about how Dan and I keep the fires burning.  We have been together for 15 years and I still feel so lucky to wake up beside him every day.  There have been bumps along the way that include therapy and tears and fighting, and best of all, a deeper connection.  A relationship REQUIRES work.  They say marriage is an "institution" and I respond that people in institutions appear drugged and die slowly.  I want an alternative!  I want a love affair and that doesn't come easy.  It's called keeping the love ALIVE.  The best way to make sure love is in the air is to THINK LIKE A LOVER, not a wife or husband.  Lovers do things to keep interest peaked. They flirt. They text. They call.  They write each other sexy notes.  They make plans to spend time together (without the kids).  They hold a special place of honor for each other.  They are partners.  They get naked.  They have sex.  They woo.

I want to woo you too (not that way) to share what I've learned during the 47 years I've been on the planet.  Starting next week, I'll have a new series that will air on my website whoopiequeen.com - ASK CYNDY, THE WHOOPIE QUEEN.  They are short segments of advice using positive psychology tips with a splash of whoop POW.  This month the topic is LOVE.  Next month's topic is CREATING LUCK & GOOD FORTUNE.  Post your ?'s here as "anonymous" or use a fake name.  And you can always send ?'s to cyndy@whoopiequeen.com .

11 WAYS TO REV UP THE ROMANCE:

1. Leave post-it love notes all over the inside of your lover's car or inside a kitchen cabinet.
   
2. Ask better questions like, "What can I do for you today that will make your life easier and less stressful?"  Then do it.   Here's a great article about other questions that will "save your relationship."  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/the-questions-that-will-save-your-relationships_b_4618254.html
3. Make a playlist for your lover.   http://www.experiencecord.com/artists/our-valentines-day-playlist-new-school-love-songs/ 
   
4. Send a whoopie gram to work - favorite candy bar with sexy note in briefcase.
5. Drive separately & pick each other up at a bar. 
6. Find a funny, laugh out loud card and mail it to your lover's office.
7. Make breakfast for your luvr.  Heart shaped egg in a hole.
   
    
8. Do something different together.  Learn graffiti art, take an architecture tour of Gilded mansions, learn food photography at a street market, paint designer antlers (ha!), have dinner with a director, take a mob tour, and so much more.  Sidetour is a new site that offers unique excursions in lots of major cities including NY, Philly, Dallas, Boston, San Fran and more.  https://www.sidetour.com/washington 
    
   
9. Create a unique keepsake.  Here's a link to a cool photo puzzle http://allforthememories.com/blog/2014/1/20/diy-valentine-photo-puzzle  
   
   
     
10. Send a sext message.  Just do it!  Ok, if you can't sext, send your lover a romantic line of poetry.  For a little help on the poetry front:  http://ingenira.hubpages.com/hub/Romantic-Love-Quotes-for-Valentines-Day AND http://www.toptenz.net/top-10-love-poems.php.  
11. Write SEX on your luvr's to-do list.
    
    
    

31 Ways to Romance Your Lover

August is National Romance Month.  Never fear, The Whoopie Queen is here with ideas to make the last month of summer juicy like a watermelon.   

Romance is a verb - "to woo."   A few years back I was talking with a friend about how much effort a relationship requires.  She replied, "Yeah, but what's the alternative?!"  That is when it hit me.  Before I married Dan, we had a LOVE AFFAIR.  The alternative is terrible if we stop "wooing."  People settle into the doldrums of marriage.  Marriage is an "institution" and you know what happens to the people in institutions?  They are drugged and die slowly.  Instead, I suggest that couples be lovers.  They feel alive.  Lovers don't take each other for granted.  They appreciate each other.  They don't keep score.  They do things to keep interest peaked.  They flirt.  They text.  They call.  They write each other sexy notes.  They make plans to spend time together (especially without kids).  They hold a special place of honor for each ohter.  They get naked.  They have sex.   Yes, let's be lovers! 

So in honor of a steamy, sizzling, August Romance, I give you 31 Ways to Romance Your Lover this month:

1. Go to a photo booth and take make-out pics.
2. Book a sitter for a Saturday mid-day, have her get kids out of house and have afternoon delight.
3. Go for a walk in the park while eating popsicles.
4. Make a playlist for your lover.
5. Leave post-it love notes all over the inside of your lover's car.
6. Drive-in movie on back porch w/brown-sugar popcorn and flick on the ipad.
7. Send a whoopie gram to work - favorite candy bar with sexy note in briefcase.
8. Write each other Mad Libs Notes.  http://www.thedatingdivas.com/wp-content/uploads/Sarina-Madlibs-MadAboutYouANDMadlyInLove.pdf
9. Drive separately & pick each other up at a bar. 
10. Make Your Lover's Favorite Ice Cream w/vanilla in the freezer & favorite candy bars on the ready.
11. Hold hands on a beach walk and talk about your fav beach trips. 
12. Leave a love note on the mirror, written with a Sharpie. It washes off.
13. Find a funny, laugh out loud card and mail it to your lover's office.
14. Make breakfast in bed FOR DINNER.
15. Walk arm-n-arm at a haunted location in your town.  In Georgetown, I want to visit The Exorcist steps. 
16. Make a list of reasons why you are grateful to be with your lover.  
17. Learn about the opposite sex and tell your lover about it.  http://www.medicinenet.com/18_secrets_men_want_you_to_know_pictures_slideshow/article.htm
18. Say to your lover when you awake in the morning:  "What can I do for you today that will make your life easier and less stressful?"  Then do it.
19. Flirt with your lover in an unusual place...in a store checkout line, while making dinner, while doing yard work...
20. Flash your lover.
21. Go through pics of your past together while listening to music.
22. Surprise your lover.
23. Dance together.  Salsa.  Swing.  Tango.
24. Send a sext message.  Just do it!
25. Ok, if you can't sext, send your lover a romantic line of poetry.  For a little help on the poem front:  http://ingenira.hubpages.com/hub/Romantic-Love-Quotes-for-Valentines-Day AND http://www.toptenz.net/top-10-love-poems.php.
26. Pour a glass of wine and take a stroll together through your neighborhood after dinner.
27. Grab some flesh.  A pat.  A squeeze.       
28. Shower together.
29. Have a secret phrase to tell you're lover he/she is hot, like “Are we due for an oil change?” No will know what it means but you.  (That's not our phrase!)
30. Go and kiss under the stars.
31. Make a love montage of couple pictures and frame it.

For more ideas:
http://www.thegloss.com/2008/04/28/fashion/101-romantic-things-to-do-with-your-partner/ 

http://www.wifemomsuperwoman.com/2012/10/01/30-non-cheesy-date-night-ideas/

New Things I Learned About Marriage

Marriage. The Supreme Court rulings have me wondering if the relationship with my hubby is now considered a "different sex" marriage, not that there's anything wrong with it?!  Congrats to my gay friends!  You too can now enter the "institution."  Dan and I just celebrated our 12 year anniversary.  We have two kids.  Zero murders.  Success!

I've learned a few new things recently about being hitched and just have to share them so that we can all have a gay marriage.

1.   Have a code word.  Use it to lighten the mood, to secretly indicate in public, "I feel ya," or "I'm here" AND to remember a crazy story from your past together.  Can't tell you ours but it involves a primate.

2.  If you're not connected, you're disconnected.  Feel like two ships passing in the night?  Are you so busy, you go to change your tampon and find three up there?  Slow your roll.  Find each other.  We look each other in the eyes and say "I'm in" when we get home from work, in the morning before we leave, and before going to snoozerville.  Jill Rogers of The Seven Sacred Steps gave us that tool.  She's a love guru (not like the movie, a real one).  http://thesevensacredsteps.com/

3.   Make sure you're having fun.  Together.  And Alone.  That's making your own whoopie in the world.

4.  No Dutch ovens, or crop dusting if you want to have sex.  I had to work hard on this one.

This Suburban Life-not actually our buff bodies.