Check out the conversation I had via text with a friend recently. She couldn't meet with me because she had a sex date. With Her Hubby. She may be my current hero. We are all so busy and wear it like a badge of honor --work, kids, appointments, life. Kudos to this whoopierific woman who blew me off to get it on with her man, a few hours after she had a mammogram. She deserves a trophy!The man I married also deserves a trophy - HOT HUBBY OF THE YEAR. We just celebrated our 13 year anniversary and I still feel like I won the jackpot. Years ago, after Dan came down South to Spring City, Tennessee to meet my dad's side of the family, I wasn't sure he would stick around. Spring City is next to Soddy Daisy, around the corner from Stump Hollow. That's near the Smokey Mountains in the boonies. Dan's family is from the other side of the tracks, the fancy side. He joined me for the Cecil Family Fish Fry and as we were on the plane, I cautioned, "I hope everyone has all their teeth in." That should have been the least of my fears.
I got a good case of the hillbilly willies that day. Everyone was enjoying the fish fry with extended Cecil family members. My grandpa has 17 brothers and sisters and there is always kinfolk coming up to hug ya who you don't quite recognize when hundreds of relatives are around. However, there is one unforgettable auntie! She invokes a declaration to each and every person she greets with her drawn out, "Ba-less your heart" while doing a mighty fine bootie pat. Aunt Sara christened Dan. Pat pat.
The hootenanny continued with talk of bass fishing, square dancing, and mayonnaise salad recipes when a minivan pulled up to the curb. A woman with giant, bleach-blond hair got out of the passenger side and swished to the sliding door in her bright orange Tennessee Vols sweat suit. She pulled on the handle and reached in to the car seat. Out on her hip popped a monkey. In a diaper.
Blondie put her pet in a cage right in the middle of the yard. The monkey was a well-behaved little Reese cup (Rhesus). There were lots of children who wanted to make mischief with that primate but Blondie didn't want anyone to bother it. She swished past the front porch glider and yelled, "Now, don't you kids mess with my baby." (Why in the Sam hell would you bring a monkey in a diaper to a party with kids buzzing on sweet tea?)
Within minutes, the lock was picked and the little ape was bouncing off trees. Blondie was pulled away from her ambrosia salad and she was choking so hard on her words that I thought Blondie was going to need the hind lick maneuver. Baby marshmallows and pineapple bits were flying everywhere as she swished around that yard chasing that monkey. Granny brought out rot-your-teeth eclair pudding pie for everyone and we watched the action. My second cousin relayed how life-like Reese could look with the proper taxidermic procedures. Dan the man tried to catch the monkey but instead captured a blurry diaper shot. That's when I knew he was my man.
We just celebrated our 13 year anniversary and there are a few things I wish someone had told me about marriage when I was single.
1. Marry someone who makes you laugh. PERIOD.
2. Sex has to be great at the beginning. And it has to be great through the years too to stay connected.
3. Nagging to a man means saying what needs to get done. Write it down on a list and you both can check off things that need to be done. The list keeps things neutral.
4. Romance involves notes, texting, little things like making coffee, picking up a shirt as a surprise, a slap on the bootie, a laugh, a kitchen dance, holding hands, putting the marriage before kids and rest of the family.
5. Try to make your partner feel special every day. The good news is you'll get groped. When your man stops groping you, there might be trouble in tuba city. Just sayin...
6. If you want to keep him hot for you, stay hot for yourself. Do things that make you feel great, keep you happy, keep you turned on to life. It's my responsibility to make my own happiness, not his.
7. Let the monkey out of the cage. Laugh at it. Take pictures of it. Make it into a funny story.
